I feel a bit directionless right now. I feel as though I need to sit quietly and somehow a path will reveal itself. I suppose I need to meditate. I try to keep my mind clear, and yet I feel a slight edge of depression.
I somehow can’t seem to get working on the things that I need to do right now. It’s so difficult to even get started. I feel like I should start a journal and work on goals and plans, and yet I can’t even manage to get off the bed. I want to write another book, and yet I can’t even focus my mind enough to get started. I do miss my ex, but not so much that I want to go back. I know that he wasn’t right for me. But God damn I miss him.
I’m sitting here on the bed in my RV in my mother’s backyard looking out the window at squirrels running up and down the oak trees. I have considered going out and taking a drive, maybe playing tourist, but again, I just can’t seem to get moving. I wish I had a friend here in town that I could hang out with, who would at least distract me from this pain. I know that I have people I could call, but again I just can’t get moving.
I sat and watched all five of the Twilight movies yesterday. It was cathartic. I laughed, I cried, I felt like some day I might actually find love again. I keep wondering what the ideal man for me would be. Every time I come up with a trait that I would really like, my mind rebels. I don’t understand what my fear of relationships is about. Perhaps this is what I need to be working on. It has nothing to do with lack of confidence in me. No, this comes down to feeling trapped. I want a man, but I also want to retain the ability to leave whenever I want. I want someone that I can reach out to and hold, but I also want to be completely alone. I want to have someone to depend on, but I want to have adventures. Somehow, the thought of combining my life and my soul with another is terrifying to me. I don’t even truly have fantasies about growing old with someone. It just makes me think about all of the compromises that I will need to make for that to occur.
Hanahan, SC, USA