Allow me my fantasies, and I will keep the glorious illusion alive, and create a fairy tale in which we can wrap ourselves and live as we most desire. Usually, the full moon is known for mystery, yet this one has cast a harsh spotlight on all of the secrets and betrayals of others that I have refused to face.
I have a tender heart that I hold up for anyone who may ask. At times, I almost feel like a toddler, asking a stranger to witness a treasure that I discovered. Perhaps, predictably, some adults will turn away, while others will smile patronizingly. Every now and then, though, someone will turn to look, and will gaze at my treasure with genuine interest and fascination.
To me, a heart only grows stronger through connections with others. I try not to hold back, hidden behind a wall, because that is not a true life. A heart that is walled off and deeply protected never has the opportunity to heal and grow. I offer openness, and non-judgmental honesty, and I ask for the same in return. Sadly, not everyone knows how to handle that. I am afraid that I know no other way.
This exploration into the world of dating, over the past month or so, has been a voyage. I have met some really great men, and I have even had my heart broken, though we were really too fresh to hurt me significantly. I have realized that I was not really ready to accept a new relationship, and as such, I suspect the energy that I have been emitting, has been confusing to others. For that, I do apologize.
I have come to realize that everyone is looking for their right fit, and that is so much more than some box checked on the checklist. The hard part for me has been understanding that, it doesn’t matter how pretty, open, kind, sexual or honest I am, some people will just not align with me where I am right now. Perhaps, my openness is intimidating. Perhaps, my honesty is too hard to take, when a man is playing by his rule book, and I laughingly challenge his expectations. Perhaps, my comfort with my sexuality is enough to scare some. Perhaps, my native belief in the good of others has prevented me from seeing dishonesty for what it is.
Through it all, I have come to understand that I need more time to reflect on my motivations. I am so happy to have made a new girlfriend, and I now have someone I can bond and socialize with. The first man who had captured my attention during this journey, has moved onto a new chapter alone, or more specifically, with his “not serious girlfriend,” and I have been trying to weed through and wrap up any loose ends with others that are out there. I have come to understand that I am dissipating my energy by casting a large spell, when, in truth, I must be far more focused.
I have been seeing someone. He is consistent, generous, cautious, and thoughtful. He is also passionate, loving, adventurous and exciting. His emotional maturity and strong will has been a welcome counterpoint to my more mutable nature. His rigid boundaries allow my fluid nature to flow through, softening him, and providing structure to me. It is still too soon for any declarations and proclamations of love, but I have hope…always…