I doubt you will ever see these postings. This is really just for me. My thoughts have been so troubled. I know that every time I hear from you, everything just feels right. The problem is, I don’t hear from you enough.
I find myself rereading our messages over and over again, trying to discern every little meaning. I find that I am wanting very much to fall for you, but I don’t know if you will allow me. I wonder if you are doing your Scorpio testing of my loyalty. I wonder if it is your natural German reserve. I wonder if you just have reservations because you know you’re leaving. I wonder if you have another lover that you feel bound to. I wonder if, when you go to Germany for your holiday, if you will see her. Will you end things with her? Do you care for her? Am I just your American counterpart to her, and will be set aside when you leave?
I do feel like every time we meet, it is passionate and intense. I do feel that we are growing closer to one another. I almost believe that we could have a future. I am already preparing myself and those close to me for the eventuality that I will join you when you leave here in December.
I suppose this vacation is a good test for us. You will see how you feel about me, and I will learn some self-discipline. I really have no desire to date anybody else. I don’t want to distract myself from you. Though I know that you would probably never know, I have no desire to cheat on you. I like to think that you will not be with anybody else, but I don’t know that.
What I know is this, I am on the verge of falling madly in love with you. I am holding myself back because I do not feel as though you would welcome that right now. I pray that upon your return, our passion will be even greater than it has been so far. I hope that you burn from me as I burn for you.
I see the love bruises all over my body that you left the last time we were together. Did you do that intentionally? You’ve never marked me that way before. Were you marking your territory? Did you know that would be our last time together before you left? When I look at the bruises, I am excited, remembering how they got there. I love the way you touch me. I have bruises on my inner thigh, and I can almost feel your grip as you enter me. The bruises on my breasts are from your kisses that are passionate and brutal. I feel tenderness on my neck and remember that you bit me there. I want these bruises to remain for the duration of your trip, so at least I have something to remember you by.
I pulled up your Facebook page tonight. I started looking through all of your old pictures. You probably don’t realize that many of them are public. I saw the pictures of your ex-lover. I wasn’t hurt by them. I have pictures of my ex lovers, as well. It’s apparent that you cared for her very deeply once upon a time. I do not expect that at our ages, we have never had other lovers. That’s unrealistic. What I want to know is, are you mine? Do you want to be? Do you want me to release the love that I feel growing in my heart for you?
I suppose I will end this for now. This really is for my benefit. Maybe, 10 years from now, when we are laying in bed together and long past this time of uncertainty and agony, I may show you these posts, and we can laugh at my insecurities. Until that time, my love, I am thinking about you, and missing you, and can’t wait to have your arms around me again! I love you already.