Many years ago, when I was still very innocent, I met someone. He was quite the ladies man, and he decided to make me his conquest. Over a long summer, we met daily. What I did not understand at the time, was that he could be patient with my fear and reluctance, because he had other ladies to play with at night. To this day, almost 30 years later, I will always appreciate the lessons he taught me.
In addition to teaching me the many joys of physical contact, I learned one of the most valuable lessons of all. I learned detachment. At the end of the summer, when I had to leave him, I can still remember the pain in my chest. It felt as though I had been stabbed and my heart ripped out. It ached in a way that I have rarely felt in the years since.
I have learned that I have a pattern when it comes to lovers. I always approach a new relationship with an openness. I want a deep soul connection, but if, for whatever the reason, that is not possible, that person will just become a casual fling. There is only a limited amount of time in a new relationship where my heart is open. If, through mishandling, carelessness, or just general misunderstanding, we miss our opportunity and the spell breaks, there really will be no return to love. I am reminded of this, because I have been wrestling with it recently.
I am in a few socializing groups for singles, and it appears that most people are looking for a relationship, yet, for various reasons, the connections don’t happen. I suppose, after all of these years, that first lover that I had marked my soul in a way that has reverberations now. I suppose that I come on very strong in the beginning, because I am caught up in passion and potential love. I am almost addicted to the feeling of infatuation. My mind can build grand castles in the sky, creating a world where we are Romeo and Juliet, until he decides that’s not what he wants. At that point, he’ll become an occasional hook up, and will never again feel what could have been between us.
Perhaps, this is not the healthiest way to find love. I refuse to have a tepid, watercolor existence. I love vibrancy and passion. I love experiencing all of the highs and lows that love can offer. I may well end up in the depths of despair, but if I don’t risk it, how will I also experience Nirvana? For me, it is worth the risk.