I have had a vision floating through my head for a few days now. I see a fish swimming through a shipwreck. I see the fish gliding in and amongst the watery rooms, flitting over furniture that has been reclaimed by the sea life. I see this fish ducking into coral encrusted crevices, and skirting about in once opulent ballrooms. This fish is me.
I find myself in a place in life, where I truly have the freedom to do whatever the hell I want. I am unbound and free to travel, explore, marry, or not, live wherever I want. With every man I date, I imagine myself in his world. I imagine what it would be like to join his life. I stretch my arms into his life, as though I am pulling on his coat. I immerse myself in it, imaging how it would feel to accept “him” as my one and only. Those that are too stifling, itchy, unpleasant, stingy, cold or judgmental, are quickly discarded. Those that are warm, comforting, safe, amusing, fun, generous and loving are kept while I’m considering them.
Then I imagine life without anyone. I consider what I would give up to join with one man. What potential freedom and travel will I trade in exchange for the love of a man. Am I ok with that? The further I am from my last partner, the further away from domestic life I become. My children are now onto their own lives. My little RV is home for the moment. As an author and massage therapist, I am not tethered to a job in any particular locale. I could embrace a life anywhere across the world. Where is home base for me?
I have discovered that I need people in my life. I enjoy and take emotional nourishment from friends. I need the connections with others to bring meaning into my life, yet I am blessed to make friends easily. I am not held captive to fear, nor do I require a home to feel safe.
I once watched a show called the White Queen. In it, the young lady was led to a lake by her mother. Tied to a bush, were several strings that led into the lake. The mother instructed her daughter to chose a string, and cut away the others. Once she had chosen the string, she was to reel it in one turn at a time, every day, until she had pulled it up. She asked her mother what the other strings that she cut represented, and her mother told her, it was lives she would never live, babies she would never have, things she would never experience. I suppose I am now standing by the lake, pondering which strings to cut away. It is the decision that I am avoiding for now. I shall lounge on the bank for awhile, and just enjoy the stars sparkling in the sky, vast with potential.