I start my new job today. It will be nice to start a new routine. I have spent far too much time sitting on my butt and watching movies. I suppose the downtime was what I needed, but I haven’t really enjoyed it.
I also made a decision. I am not going anywhere until at least June of 2018. I know that I am too unsettled from all of the upheaval of the last couple of years to make any good decisions. I wanted to stay with Mom until after the holidays. If I returned to FL at that point, it would be the middle of the season, so rent would be ridiculous, traffic would be gridlocked, and I would not have time to get settled and make money before the slow season came again. I think June is a good time to evaluate my plans. It will also be almost a year from my breakup.
I have lost almost 46 lbs now. I feel really good physically. I actually bought two pairs of jeans yesterday. I cannot remember the last time I wore jeans, but I’m thinking probably 20 years. It gets cold here in the winter, and my wardrobe is full of sundresses and flip-flops. The pretty sundresses that I have worn for years are now getting a bit loose on me, too.
The other “benefit” to losing weight, is suddenly, I appear to be back on the radar with men. It has been so many years since I felt noticed, that I find I am a bit unsure what to do. When I realize a guy is actually looking, my reaction is typically a startled surprise. Far from the confident woman I once was, I feel more like an awkward teen nowadays.
I am also woefully unprepared for understanding the “rules” of dating. It’s been 15 years since I was actually out in the dating world. I will say, the quality of men is much improved, since, by the time they are my age, they tend to have their own place and some financial stability. I know I could sleep with people, but I think it’s too soon for me mentally. I also am not prepared to engage in a relationship. I suppose I am just looking for some distraction from my ex, and to make new friends. I guess I just need the practice. Let’s just call it networking.
Our breakup is different this time. Being in a new place has forced me out of my comfort zone, and in a place where I must take action. When we broke up back in Fort Myers, I had to get used to a routine, when he was intimately intertwined in my life. It made his absence felt all the more keenly. Here, everything is different, so I am not constantly faced with his absence. I actually go through large parts of my day without thinking about him. It doesn’t really hurt anymore. He is receding into the background a bit.
I am finally learning how to be alone. It’s nice. I wake and sleep when I want. If I want to go somewhere, I do. The food in my home is what I want. I feel healthy. I did not choose sobriety for any reason other than to go on the keto diet, but I am realizing the benefits of it. My skin is looking good. I’m dropping weight like crazy. I have energy, sleep well, and save money. I wonder if I will ever pick up the habit again.
Well, I suppose I have rambled on long enough. I suppose the point of today’s post is simply to say that I’m healing. I know I will get there.