I woke this morning with my eyes misting with tears.
I am enduring, perhaps even wallowing, in the pain of my breakup, because I have never truly allowed myself to feel the pain and complexities of my emotions.
I have found it useful to shove away the tears, smile through a broken heart, crack a joke when a careless word pierces my heart.
I was relieved that I did not have any obligations until the afternoon, so I was able to sleep. I am grateful, though, that I have an inner warrior (as my cherished friend calls it) that rouses me from despair, before I succumb too deeply. This warrior forced me from my bed. I dressed, ate brunch, then drove my convertible, with the top back (at noon – sorry, Mom!) to my favorite nature spot.
It is amazing how just being surrounded by trees and water can calm a troubled heart. I felt my anxieties drift away, as I was lulled by the hum of the insects, the gentle knocking of the bamboo trees, the soft and fragrant flowers all around me. I feel restored, and my muse peeked out, whispering my latest ideas.
A close girlfriend had told me about Tinder (a “dating” app, for those who live under a rock). When she mentioned it, I couldn’t believe that she had joined a “hook up” site. She laughed and told me that she had met some nice people, and didn’t sleep with any of them. Those words came to me last weekend, so I joined.
What has been fascinating to me is the difference in men and women. You would think, by now, that I would know all about that. It saddens me to see how graphic and sordid so many “casual” relationships are. I, for so many reasons, am nowhere near ready for a relationship, but that does not mean I do not long for a lover’s touch. Yet, men seem perfectly fine with the visual of a few naked pictures, and masturbation, or a quick deed, where they slink out after, looking like they did something dreadful and wrong. Worse, there seems to be this mistaken belief that a woman will somehow fall madly in love with a man if he shows her the slightest respect.
As I write this, I am reminded of the quote from Anaïs Nin, in her book, Delta of Venus:
“I was sure the old man knew nothing about the beatitudes, ecstasies, dazzling reverberations of sexual encounters. Cut out the poetry was his message. Clinical sex, deprived of all the warmth of love—the orchestration of all the senses, touch, hearing, sight, palate; all the euphoric accompaniments, background music, moods, atmosphere, variations—forced him to resort to literary aphrodisiacs.”
Sex is one of the best ways for two humans to connect with each other, as well as their own inner happiness, and yet, so many men deny themselves the full experience.
For God’s sake, if you “hook up” with a woman, at least have the decency to find out her name. Try to truly enjoy each other. Call her the next day, and thank her. That is all. Marriage proposals and declarations of love are not necessary. Human decency is. With that said, I am deleting my Tinder profile. I am too “tender” right now to deal with the crap.